General Mills wants movie pitches for its cereal monster mascots, and we have several ideas

Launched in the 1970s, the monster mascots include Count Chocula, Franken Berry, Boo Berry and the discontinued Fruit Brute and Fruity Yummy Mummy.

Although General Mills insists “this isn’t a contest” or “a pitch for free ideas,” we here at The Washington Post have decided that it is both. Here, we humbly submit some options:

The immortal Count Chocula (Adrien Brody) is a deeply misunderstood monster. Children shriek when they hear his name, terrified by a parent-created urban legend that the lanky vampire would magically appear and declare, “I VANT TO EAT YOUR CEREAL!” if the kids slurped their milk too loudly. No one will visit the Count’s castle up on the hill. Without Oompa Loompas, he’s just a weird aging loner with a chocolate river.

And so, because it is 2018, the Count rebrands. He starts to speak faster and hires a cast of kooky actors to play his vampire family. He repaints his castle in pastel shades and makes sure everything is perfectly symmetrical. He renames it the Grand Choculvanian Hotel and attempts to befriend every guest who comes to stay. The film eventually follows the Count’s journey back to darkness as he tires of putting up a whimsical facade. He adopts his fake family as his real one, and they teach him the true value of being himself. — Sonia Rao

Tracy Morgan voices Franken Berry, a sarcastic ghost whose humdrum (after)life, spent in his roommate Count Chocula’s shadow, takes an exciting turn when he does his first stand-up comedy set at Monstrocity, an underground club for monsters. Franken Berry becomes a hit on the monster circuit — these Trix are not for kids — and an enterprising manager named Gus (a human, played by Pete Davidson, who grew up in the monster world after being abandoned by his parents) offers to take him on as a client and get him in front of mainstream audiences.

What Frank doesn’t realize is that Gus’s sad backstory is bogus — he’s actually the evil Augustus Pomp in disguise and plans to steal Franken Berry’s rapidly growing fortune. Franken Berry uncovers Gus’s diabolical plan with the help of his new love interest, fellow comedian and ghost Eliza (voiced by Niecy Nash), and the two plot to take him down. After they expose Gus, the monsters revolt against him, relegating him to forever tend the cereal bar at Monstrocity, which Franken and his new wife, now known professionally as Eliza Berry, purchase after realizing they don’t need mainstream fame after all.

Adrien Brody makes a cameo as Count Chocula, a Monstrocity regular who makes it clear that Gus will spend eternity cleaning up soggy cereal. The movie also features a voice cameo from Ilana Glazer as a stoner ghost comic. — Bethonie Butler

His heart broke, and never mended, after little Ellie succumbed to typhoid five years earlier. His wife died giving birth to her, their only child. As he laid on his deathbed in the old house on the family berry farm, he took comfort in the fact that soon, he, too, would be at peace.

Bruce Carey finally took his last breath. Soon, he, Ellie and Sarah would be together forever.

His eyes blinked open, and a bright light shone before him.

“You’re not ready,” said a booming voice.

“I am. Please. I have waited years. They were all I had.”

“The berry farm. You have some unfinished business.”

Suddenly, Bruce felt himself falling, his body fading into a rounded mist. Blue, like the berries he grew. The berries he hated so much.

It has been a hundred years since then, when Bruce fell from the sky. He goes by a different name now.

“My ghostly good cereal, Boo Berry, is part of this complete breakfast,” Boo said. He’d recited the line a thousand times, ceaselessly. Two chains protrude from the marshmallow-like blob that was once his chest. One is tied to a bowl of cereal. Another to a cereal box. (This is according to General Mills canon.) The farm was in debt when Bruce died. One day, his debt would be repaid. If only enough children would buy this cereal.

Boo mugged for the camera, letting out a little playful giggle. Inside, Bruce was screaming.

Boo will be played by Jeffrey Wright. — Abby Ohlheiser

Christian Bale plays Fruit Brute, a loner wolf living on the fringes of society who uses berry wine to drown out the haunting memory of the cereal marshmallow plant fire of ’94. (In typical Bale fashion, he had body hair surgically implanted to mimic the wolf’s coat.) But when he meets the orphaned daughter of the only person he ever called a friend, Fruit Brute vows to take down the marshmallow industrial complex — from the inside. — Elahe Izadi

This summer, see the real life story of how Tom Cruise became the Fruity Yummy Mummy — starring Tom Cruise as himself. The brave biopic begins with filming MI:7, during which he attempts his grandest stunt yet: climbing inside a volcano. If only he had known it was active. After he emerges from a six-month coma, wrapped entirely in bandages, he can only say one phrase: “Fruity Yummy Mummy makes your tummy go yummy! Heh, heh, heh!” Ever the consummate professional, he embraces his new role as the Fruity Yummy Mummy, finally earning his Oscar in “The Mummy 2: The Yum Yum Tales.” — Travis M. Andrews

Indeed, the world of breakfast cereal mascots is as sweet as the milk left warming in the bowl. While we’re at it, here are a few more stories about some non-monster mascots, including ones not in the General Mills Cinematic Universe that deserve the big screen treatment.

Ice Cube plays Toucan Sam in this heartwarming story about overcoming the odds in the face of great tragedy. The bird, addicted to the smell of Froot Loops, crashes into a tree while flying around with his eyes closed. Realizing that following his nose can only end one way, he begins climbing the long path to recovery, meeting a variety of friends along the way who teach him to stop … and smell the roses. — Travis M. Andrews

Daniel Day-Lewis steps out of retirement this holiday season for his most challenging role yet. Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch boldly led his forces across the seven seas, but the war is now over. Unable to adjust to civilian life and with no more battles left to fight, the captain creates his own war. Watch as Day-Lewis transforms into the two-foot-tall Cap’n, as he wages a one-man war against the rest of the known cereal universe, a war that could forever change breakfast as we know it. — Travis M. Andrews

This instant holiday classic finds three brothers — Snap, Crackle and Pop — reeling from the loss of their parents after a devastating hot air balloon accident. As holly wreaths begin appearing on the knots of the village’s trees, the young boys, played by the Jonas Brothers, find comfort in the power of song — and one another. Together, they enter the holiday Christmas pageant, convinced that earning the golden trophy will make their first parentless year bearable. But the evil Simon Cowell (played by Mel B), angry from an earlier unexplained Christmas baking incident, signs up to judge the pageant in hopes of dashing their dreams. As the boys prepare for their toughest challenge yet — aside from, you know, unexpectedly losing their parents — they learn the true meaning of Christmas was inside them all along. (Airing seven times daily on the Hallmark channel for all of December.) — Travis M. Andrews

In this Beyoncé jukebox musical, a sullen teenager named Buzz the Bee (Zendaya) wakes up in the body belonging to her helicopter parent mom, Jazz (Tracee Ellis Ross), and vice versa. The Bees come to understand one another as they literally spend time in each other’s white-laced sneakers, with Jazz stepping in as the Honey Nut Cheerios High School mascot and Buzz serving as the mayor of their hive. — Sonia Rao

Former world break-dancing champion Dig ‘Em Frog (Sylvester Stallone) wants to leave his glory days behind him as he mindlessly trains kids at his dilapidated dance studio, Honey Smacks. But when a gifted yet unrefined new talent (Michael B. Jordan) shows up on his doorstep, Dig ‘Em Frog discovers he still has a lot of dance in him yet, even if his hips won’t let him perform those windmills anymore. — Elahe Izadi

Trix Rabbit (Kumail Nanjiani) just lost his job and is trying to put the pieces of his life back together after a messy divorce from Jessica (Jessica Chastain), who is threatening to move across the country with their child. Everyone in his life thinks Trix is a failure, but as he fights for custody of his son, he realizes that Trix are for kids. — Elahe Izadi

Cereal mascot Lucky the Leprechaun, played by Idris Elba, and basketball team mascot Lucky the Leprechaun, played by Mark Wahlberg, are dueling crime bosses in early-2000s Boston. They cheer on General Mills and the Boston Celtics by day, conduct shady business by night. When basketball Lucky tries to recruit cereal Lucky’s magical marshmallow minions, all sugary hell breaks loose. — Sonia Rao