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Joanna Gaines on ‘Stories We Tell’ book, shaking fear, perfectionism


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Joanna Gaines composed the passages of her new book, “The Stories We Tell: Every Piece of Your Story Matters,” unsure they would ever be read.

“I actually only told two people that I was writing this down, and I never knew if I’d actually share it,” Gaines, 44, reveals over video chat. “The intention was truly to just process, get perspective, write it down. There is such power when you write down your story and you see how all the things woven together really do create something beautiful and powerful.”

The TV host, Magnolia Network co-founder and Magnolia Journal editor-in-chief (to name a few of her gigs), felt all of the “going, going, going” left her feeling depleted. “I think part of that led me to the journey of writing down my story and writing this book, because I was like, ‘Why am I feeling like I have everything I’ve ever wanted, but I’m feeling so empty?’”

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It’s the second time Gaines has written down her life story after feeling conflicted. The first time, she was a 22-year-old intern at CBS News in New York City, feeling homesick and doubting a career in news. She used writing to process experiences of her first two decades of life, which included being teased by her classmates for her Korean heritage.

Gaines’ heart breaks for “that little girl (who) was at one point just so light and free and loved who she was, (but) began to start hiding parts of who she was out of fear of not being accepted. Even though at 22 kids aren’t making fun of you anymore in the cafeteria, those lies – if they’re still with you because you didn’t process them out or process them with truth – they come out in different ways. You feel the need to perform. You feel the need to be a perfectionist.”

That story, though, wasn’t published and won’t ever be. “It was just for me,” she writes in this memoir. 

The need to appear perfect stayed with her. When she and Chip Gaines, whom she had married in 2003, were facing financial challenges, she kept up appearances by planning over-the-top birthday parties for their children so people wouldn’t know they were struggling.

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“When that fear is driving you, then you (might) fake it and pretend like, ‘OK, I have these elaborate birthday parties even though I can’t afford any of the stuff,’” she says. “The stuff I was internally processing during those times when things were really hard for us, we were growing a business that was young. We had young kids. I think we were in a house we probably shouldn’t have been in because the mortgage was higher than” they could afford. 

Today, Gaines has a different relationship with failure. She views it as a teacher rather than a defining attribute.

“If I fail on something, it’s not because I wasn’t good enough,” she says. The result isn’t “based on my identity or my value. It just means, OK, well that didn’t work. What can I learn from that and try on the next run?”

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Gaines no longer lets fear be the deciding factor, as it was the first 25 years of her life.

“I said no to most things in life,” she says. But now, “I’ve said yes to things that I would say I have no business saying yes to, but I learned so much and the experience was amazing.

“Everything we have said yes to always started with a ‘I probably shouldn’t because I’m not an expert at it,’” she adds. “But when I get on the other side of it, I’m like, ‘I’m so glad I said yes to that.”

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Even on the early days of “Fixer Upper,” which premiered on HGTV in 2013, Gaines felt unsure of herself as a designer because she didn’t have formal training. “I look back and I laugh. I had like the smallest tiny rugs,” she says of earlier designs. “I didn’t know (any better). But again, I can look back and go I was learning, and I’m still evolving, and I have so much more to learn.”

In her metamorphosis, Gaines has learned to shed the desire to be seen as perfect, a mask for any feelings of unworthiness.

“I am so aware of these feelings now that I’m like, ‘Oh no, no, no, I don’t have to prove to anybody anything.’ I am enough, period.”

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