Drake’s ‘For All the Dogs’ is the rap superstar’s most tiresome album

Chair welcomes influx of new members; apologizes for lack of seating; notes that Drake’s new album, “For All the Dogs,” released Oct. 6, appears responsible for largest attendance spike since November 2011 after now-defunct weblog Big Ghost Chronicles referred to Drake as “Young Garnier Fructis.”

Treasurer announces “For All the Dogs” is widely expected to debut at No. 1 on Billboard 200 albums chart after lead single, “Slime You Out,” featuring SZA, debuted at No. 1 on Hot 100 singles chart; reminds new membership that despite Drake song-logic, human value is not commensurate with financial worth, therefore DHA does not maintain fiscal records.

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Motion to confirm “For All the Dogs” as most suffocatingly tiresome Drake album, citing predominant mood of masculine resentment, consistent lack of melodic imagination, unnecessary track-list bloat, banal production decisions, various unholy conversions of dirty talk into dad puns, general sourness and sex-creep vibes. Alternate proposed: “Certified Lover Boy.” Motion passes.

Motion to confirm dialogue sample from “Scarface” on “Daylight” (0:07) as most embarrassing moment on new album. (“You don’t have the guts to be what you want to be. … You need people like me so you can point your [expletive] fingers and say, ‘That’s the bad guy!’” — Al Pacino as Tony Montana.) Alternates proposed: “Members Only” (3:29): “I live like 40 minutes from you/ That sex drive is crazy”; “7969 Santa” (0:53) Drake scolds 25-year-old romantic partner for supposed immaturity. (Drake turns 37 on Oct. 24.) Chair reminds voting body that criteria is “most embarrassing,” not “corniest,” “ickiest,” et al. Motion passes.

Motion to form DHA subcommittee for jazz appreciation, citing “Away From Home” lyrics: “Esperanza Spalding was getting all the praises/ I’m tryna keep it humble, I’m tryna keep it gracious/ Who give a [expletive] Michelle Obama put you on her playlist?/ Then we never hear from you again like you was taken.” Veteran DHA membership counters that lyrics cited have been taken out of context and overblown on social media; clarifies Drake is not exactly attacking jazz composer-bassist Spalding (nor jazz music writ large) so much as the Recording Academy for awarding Spalding best new artist Grammy over Drake circa 2010. Motion fails.

Junior member inquires whether future meeting attendance will be mandatory, considering Drake essentially continues to make same album over, and over, and over. Chair affirms that DHA has deemed Drake creatively stagnant since 2016 album, “Views,” (more specifically since once-vital, still-lustrous, career-apex hit single, “Hotline Bling”); clarifies that association participation remains completely voluntary: “The DHA is here to support Drake haters of all experiences and backgrounds, past, present and future.”

New member offers “more of a comment than a question” regarding new song “IDGAF,” featuring Yeat, noting that Drake collaborations used to make him sound like a guy rapping in front of a cardboard background, but here, he sounds like a cardboard cutout inserted into an otherwise great Yeat song. Chair affirms that Yeat is cool.

Charter member circles back to “Young Garnier Fructis”/Big Ghost incident; suggests “we have created this monster”; notes that criticism aimed at Drake early in career for being “too soft” has resulted in “endless midcareer plateau of masculine overcompensation and self-perpetuating grievance from which the rapper and his fandom may never escape.” Chair counters with stray lyric from new song “Rich Baby Daddy” (“Take care of the dog until the dog days are over”) as inelegant hint at potentially forthcoming Drake redemption album. Chaotic debate erupts over future of DHA. Chair brings meeting to order, then abruptly moves to adjourn.

Meeting concludes at 85-minute mark so as not to surpass run time of “For All the Dogs.”

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